Bad Short Jokes

What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

          Outlaws are wanted.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room. 

          He said “Thanks”

          I said “Don’t mention it”

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.

I said “40”

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.She seemed surprised.

I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

My friend says to me: “what rhymes with orange”
I said: “no it doesn’t”

And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. 

But John came fifth and won a toaster. 

Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.

Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?A carrot.

So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world

Wife says to her programmer husband, “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”
Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.

     I used to be addicted to soap, but now I’m clean…

Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other “I need you to help me get to the other side!”
The other guy replies “You are on the other side!”

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