Are Bad Jokes for Intelligent People?

PLAYING WITH WORDS

Last night I dreamt I wrote The Lord of the Rings. Then I realized I was just Tolkien in my sleep

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Why does Sweden have barcodes on all of its ships? So they can Scan-di-navy-in.

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What pencil did Shakespeare write with?

2B.

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Who’s the King of the classroom? The ruler.

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I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don’t know Y.

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Last night my classroom was broken into and all of the dictionaries were stolen. I’m lost for words.

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I’ve never met a three, but I have… "metaphor".

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You can throw an envelope as far as you want, but it’ll still be "stationary".

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I’ve been working on a Scandinavian joke. But it’s not quite "Finnish".

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What do you call a belt made from watches? A "waist" of time.

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- Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel Prize? 

- For being “out standing” in his field.

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- What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? 

- "Philippe Philoppe."

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How do you get Pikachu on a bus? You poke him on.

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- I don’t think I deserved zero on this test!
- Teacher: I agree, but that’s the lowest mark I could give you.

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- I will always tell you to follow your dreams, but I’ll never let you sleep in class.

Christmas is Fun

Bad Short Jokes

What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

          Outlaws are wanted.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room. 

          He said “Thanks”

          I said “Don’t mention it”

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.

I said “40”

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.She seemed surprised.

I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

My friend says to me: “what rhymes with orange”
I said: “no it doesn’t”

And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. 

But John came fifth and won a toaster. 

Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.

Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?A carrot.

So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world

Wife says to her programmer husband, “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”
Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.

     I used to be addicted to soap, but now I’m clean…

Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other “I need you to help me get to the other side!”
The other guy replies “You are on the other side!”

www.thepoke.co.uk

15 Funniest Commercials of All Time

Making Plans?

Two weeks before Christmas.

There is currently 1 week, 6 days until Christmas Day 2017. This does depend on your current location and timezone.
The current date is 12th December 2017. There is 1 week until 25th December 2017 (Christmas). There are 13 days until 25th December 2017 (Christmas).

Have you been NAUGHTY or NICE?  
Have you written your letter to Santa? 
Here you will see two models. Start now if you want to get your presents.....and if you think you are too old for that.....what about a wishlist forgotten anywhere in your house...? 

Two Jokes

May The Fourth

Passive Voice Cartoons

New Year's Resolutions

A New Year's resolution is a tradition in which a person makes a promise to do an act of self-improvement or something slightly nice beginning from New Year's Day.
Religious origins:
Babylonians made promises to their gods at the start of each year that they would return borrowed objects and pay their debts.
The Romans began each year by making promises to the god Janus, for whom the month of January is named.
In the Medieval era, the knights took the "peacock vow" at the end of the Christmas season each year to re-affirm their commitment to chivalry.
At watchnight services, many Christians prepare for the year ahead by praying and making these resolutions

Stick to your resolutions!
New Year’s resolutions are fun to make but extremely difficult to maintain. While about 75% of people stick to their goals for at least a week, less than half (46%) are still on target six months later.

It's hard to keep up the enthusiasm months after you've swept up the confetti, but it's not impossible. This year, pick one of the following worthy resolutions, and stick with it. Here’s to your health!

 Some jokes

April Fools' Day Cartoons

April Fools' Day: Historic Pranks

Millionaire auctions off iceberg: in 1978, a businessman and adventurer named Dick Smith announced he would be towing an iceberg from Antarctica to break into smaller cubes for sale. He advertised that these Antarctic ice cubes would freshen the taste of any drink for the price of ten cents a cube. The media was on site in the Sydney Harbor to report on the barge towing the iceberg, which was revealed to actually sheets covered with shaving cream and fire extinguishing foam.

The Derbyshire Fairy: Lebanon Circle Magik Co. (which should have been the first clue) posted a picture of what looked like a small mummified fairy on their website in 2007, stating that a man had found the creature while walking his dog out in the country. The photo attracted thousands of visitors to the sites and resulted in many interested emails. But on April 1st, the site's owner admitted the creature was an April Fools' hoax. However, the most interesting part of this story is that many continued to contact the website stating that they did not believe that the fairy was fake.

Big Ben Goes Digital: The BBC reported in 1980 that the famous Big Ben clock tower would be converted to a digital clock in order to modernize the tower's look. This outraged many citizens, as the clock tower was a historical part of London's culture. BBC Japan even offered the clock hands in a contest to the first four callers, which actually resulted in some bidding.

  

Loch Ness Monster Found: In 1972, a photo surfaced that the Flamingo Park Zoo in Yorkshire claimed to be the body of the Lock Ness Monster, discovered by a team of zoologists at Loch Ness. However, upon further inspection, the photo appeared to be of a seal. The zoo's education officer eventually confessed to the hoax, saying that he'd placed the seal in the water after shaving its whiskers.

Sweden Covers their TVs in Tights: in 1962, Sweden's only television channel announced that the station could be viewed in color if one cut up tights and placed it over the television's screen, which would bend the television's light to make it appear in color. Thousands of Swedes cut up stockings and taped them over their television only to realize they were victims of a hoax.

The Earth Loses Gravity: in 1976, BBC Radio 2 reported that due to rare astronomical alignment of Pluto behind Jupiter, the Earth's gravity would decrease. Listeners were told to jump in the air at 9:47 AM to take advantage of this, which would result in a floating feeling. Many reported that they had felt this floating sensation, one even stating that she and her friends lifted from their chairs to float around the room together.

Home Grown Spaghetti Trees: one of the most famous April Fools' pranks occurred in 1957, when BBC news program Panorama reported on Switzerland's spaghetti harvest. The region's mild winter and lack of natural spaghetti pests allowed for the fruitful production of home-grown spaghetti. The BBC received many calls from people interested in growing their own spaghetti, who were told that they should place a sprig of spaghetti in tomato sauce.
 
http://www.wilstar.com/holidays/aprilfool.htm

Mr. Bean. At the Supermarket

   

When you see one of the things below happening in the film, put up your hand

and say that sentence. Sometimes both of the sentences happen in the film, and

sometimes just one. The sentences are mixed up. You get one point for a correct

sentence and lose one point for a wrong one.

He' s brushing his hair
He’s brushing his teeth
He’s brushing his eyebrows
He’s using a towel
He’s putting a towel around his waist
He’s speaking on the phone
He’s banging the phone
He’s pressing buttons on the phone
He’s looking under the man’s bag
He’s looking in the man’s bag
He’s looking at his credit card
He’s looking for his credit card
He’s smelling something fantastic
He’s smelling something disgusting
He’s carrying an empty basket
He’s carrying a full basket

He’s feeling embarrassed
He’s feeling bored
He’s feeling confused
He’s feeling irritated (= annoyed)
He’s feeling shocked
He’s feeling proud
He’s feeling disappointed
He’s peeling a potato
He’s cutting a potato
He’s putting his hand in his pocket
He’s putting his hand in the man’s pocket
The man is sitting on a chair
The man is sitting on a toilet
The man is pulling down his pants
The man is pulling up his pants
He’s holding his breath
He’s blowing
He’s sneezing
He’s coughing


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Business Etiquette Cartoon

Halloween Jokes

Why didn't the mummy have any friends?
(Because he was wrapped up in himself!)

What road has the most ghosts haunting it?
(A dead end!)

Why is there a gate around cemeteries?
(Because people are dying to get in!)

What room is useless for a ghost?
(A living room!)

What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
(Fish and ships!)

What do you call a skeleton who won't work?
(Lazy bones!)

 Why did the vampire get thrown out of the haunted house?
(Because he was a pain in the neck!)

What did Dracula say about his girlfriend?
(It was love at first bite!)

What do you get when you cross a teacher and a vampire?
(A blood test!)

Mr. Bean Learns Judo

ESLvideo.com :: Mr. Bean Learns Judo - See more at: http://www.eslvideo.com/esl_video_quiz_low_intermediate.php?id=17618#sthash.ZhC7Eg93.dpuf

Lay or Lie?

Lay /leɪ/  (lay/laid/laid)  laying
lay (sth) vtr : place horizontally    He usually lays plans on the table. 
                      produce                    Hens lay eggs.
                      set, prepare              Lay the table please. Dinner is ready.

Lie  /laɪ/ (lie/lay/lain)  lying 

Lie (vi):        recline                     If I lie on the sofa, I'll fall asleep. 

                     be buried                His body lies in that cemetery.

                     be situated             Her house lies in the valley.

 Lie  /laɪ/ (lie/lied/lied)  lying

Lie (vi):      not tell the truth      She lied to me; she said she was in Paris and I saw her in the park.

Oh My!

Riddle

Joke!